The internet is for cookies

Their are only a few things that I consider myself good enough at to brag. Those things are acting, board games, and making some fine ass cookies. It's hands down one of my favorite things to bake and easily my specialty. So, here comes something that I wasn't sure was going to end up here. The one thing I'm asked to make more than any other baked good.

But seriously I will kick your ass at a game of Blurt.

That's my baby. And be careful, because I have snapped wooden spoons in half with this beast. Lets start with the first ingredient shall we. People will tell you that you aren't allowed to melt butter in the microwave. Those people are wrong. The way I look at it, if you can specifically taste the butter, then mayhaps I did more than just that wrong. Like, one time I made cupcakes with no sugar in them. Or this other time I made cupcakes and added extra sugar, to my cornea. (PAUSE! Seriously you need to click on that link. I didn't even know this was a thing and  I literally couldn't look away for 6 whole minutes, which is like and eternity on YouTube. Now back to your regularly scheduled blog post.) I find semi-sweet chocolate chips only semi-interesting and use it only as a suggestion in recipes. I usually use dark chocolate but this time I went crazy and added cinnamon chips (which I swear i had no idea was a thing.)

Bowl of goo!

 Yes, my friends, Cinnamon Oatmeal cookies taste exactly like breakfast, but in heaven. Breaven! Heckfast? Anyway, the chips are the perfect amount of cinnamon, not spicy like a red hot but still enough flavor to punch you in the mouth a little. And honestly, who doesn't want to be punched in the mouth by cookies. You've got your bowl of goo, up there, and if you truly want beautiful cookies I can not oversell a scooper. My friend was all complainy about how his cookies always look like "a five year olds art project" Well yeah it's totally going to if you don't have a tiny melon baller looking mother fucker to help you. And that's how you get this. 

little melon ball mother fuckers

So you bake them or whatever, and then this step is really important, When you think they look about 5 minutes away from being done you pull them. I know, it's going to be hard but for reals if you want them to be perfect take them out of the oven right now! 

Then you let them sit on the hot baking sheet for a good five minutes so the bottoms get nice a brown and crispy but the tops stay soft and chewy. Baking magic, my friends, and I'm that guy in the weird mask to show you all the moves. After waiting, ever so patiently, you need to take them off the hot tray, if possible onto a cooling rack. If that's not a possibility I will be happy with anything not hot, a cool plate would be just dandy. And if you do everything right you should end up with a beautiful tower that looks a little something like this. 

If yours didn't get done at exactly 8:23 you have to start over

There is it, my most requested item. I hope i still get invited to things, now that you guys have this you wont need me anymore. I am so distracted right now because I'm listening to Rent, So you guys go try this out and I'm going to jam out continuously. My favorite thing this week.

Oh hidy ho internet, I've had a doozy of a week

Because my blog is new, I would like to keep it updated at least once a week but I made an exemption last week due to my impromptu hospital. Nothing too serious or scary, but it did involve a tetanus shot and 8 pills a day. You know what internet, I don't know you well enough to get into all this right now. I'll just say that I'm still feeling a little woozy so if something in this post doesn't make sense, please, just don't be an ass about it.

So, one of my hospital visits (2 in total, the one relevant to this story is the second one) was also my husbands birthday. I know right! I felt like such a jerk. To make it up to him I wanted to bake him something super tasty. Cake takes way to much effort to make when your aren't feeling the best and also he doesn't really like it all the much anyway. What he does like is fruit. Pretty much anything with fruit. We have an apple tree in our yard that I cant wait to pick and make into something. But for now I want to share this.

Made big for easy reading.

It says cherry but I swear it works with every fruit I've tried. Super duper easiest recipe ever, but it tastes like it took all day. Oh, the mystical magic that takes place in my oven. Step one, take everything that isn't fruit and shake the babies out of it.

a.k.a stir with a big wooden spoon

That looks so pretty I could just stop there. I mean, look at those crumbles! They are perfect! Okay now I'm bragging but still, damn! Step one is easily the hardest step of the whole process, unless not eating it straight out of the oven is a step. But like I said this is the super easiest recipe ever so even the hardest step is still a cake walk. Step two is take that shit and smash it into a crust shape in the bottom of a pan. I didn't even grease the pan or anything. Oh, but don't use all of it because you need some for the top. Also I didn't think to take a picture of step two, I was pretty passy outy at the time.  So let's skip straight to Step Three! 

Pictured: not cherries

Now, Normally I don't really enjoy taking short cuts. I like baking because its putting effort into something that a lot of other people don't take the time too. I try to justify the use of canned apples in my head by adding some extra spices. I know the picture at the top says cherry crumble but seriously every fruit works. It just happens to be apples this time. Also I use Comstock fruit for no other reason than it reminds me of Bioshock Infinite. I'm pretty sure I'm just wasting time now. So crust, fruit, crumbles, oven, eat a snack. Then hopefully you get this.

 There you have it. A wonderfully delicious apple crumble for my wonderful husbands birthday. I'm getting a little scattered now towards the end of this so I will unfortunately have to skip the quotes this time. There were some good ones though. Oh and bee tee dubs, since I know you are wondering, Yes I did put a candle in it. Here comes the proof!

Also we played minecraft

That's what I make for dessert but for lunch today, I shit you not I had a lunchable. Don't let anyone tell you that baking and cooking are the same thing. You know what, no regrets! That lunchable was fucking amazing. They really ramped that shit up since the 90's. Actually I enjoyed it so much it's going to be my thing for today. LINK!

No Sensitive Babies Allowed!

Hey there Whisker fans, Happy America and whatever. Before I jump into my baking extravaganza, I would like to dedicate some time to something super important. I know this blog looks like the inside of an 8 year old girl's fever dream, but as it turns out I am an adult woman with a horribly offensive sense of humor. I'm a denizen of the internet you see, a child of my surroundings. So, yes, this blog will contain me making some cupcakes covered in what appears to be vampire semen but I assure you it will not get higher brow. So if you happen to be a sensitive baby, mayhaps you should read something else.

So here's a picture of my puppy for the road, because from here on out it might get gross.

Daww!

Here we go in 3...2...1....

So yesterday, I made semen crusted mini chocolate cakers, and they were AMAZING! Oh and also from now on they are going to be referred to as Jizzcakes. (Thank you to my buddy Nick Mc for the name.) So lets get done to the nuts and bolts of the jizzcake, shall we. I started with a tasty cake recipe I've had for a while. I'm sure at some point I got it from the internet but it was so long ago I cant remember where. So I'm sorry to the peoples who's credit I'm about to steal.

I know it implies use of machinery but anyone who knows me, already knows that I do most everything by hand. So much so, that in the future I'm planning on dedicating an entire post just to my wooden spoon, but that's future me's problem.

Alright everyone sit down and pay attention. This is Bake Tips 101 and I'm Professor Kitten J. Whiskers. Let's start with some basics. 1. You have to be gentle every time you are using flour. The meaner you are, the denser it gets. 2. Separately mixing powders and liquids is usually always a good idea. And 3. The better the ingredients the better the product. For example: If you ask me to bake with margarine, I will cry. I know this seems like an obvious one but for some reason it's really not. If you do all of these things you will end up with something as beautiful as this.

And after 20 more minutes, This. 

Pictured pre-jizz

Now, that was all the easy part for me. Mind you last time I made these I did get sugar in my eye and was temporarily red, puffy and slightly blinded. ( I totally understand why that a thing in video games now, because that shit is brutal!) But that was totally the frosting's fault and I hold no grudge against these guys. But up until yesterday, I had never made a glaze before. And while the recipe seemed easy enough, simple can be deceiving. I was pleasantly surprised by how easy it actually was. Other than choosing the absolute wrong pan and mixing device, (Teflon and a whisk) I made some awesome looking semen!

A first for me I assure you!

I know what you are thinking "Dayam those are some sexy Jizzcakes!" Thanks, yeah I thought so too. The reviews were overwhelmingly positive. I have quotes! "This semen is delicious!" -Kari  "Best Jizzcake ever" -Nick "Pretty Good" -My Mom. Even my husband ate one and didn't complain at all . I'd consider that a success. 

And since last time I left you with a link that had nothing to do with baking, this time I am going to suggest a webcomic called JL8. It's adorable, geeky, hilarious and gets updated twice a week. I read all of them in a day.