Sumbitches

In a perfect world everyone would either be watching How I met your Mother, or they'd be dead. It's literally been my favorite show for at least the last five years. The last season started this week and I am extremely sad-cited. If you watched it then you know exactly what I did this week. If you didn't, I'm sorry that your tv exploded or your mom died, because seriously what other reason could you have. The quote goes down like this.  "Lily: I don't care if they are poison, there's chocolate, peanut butter and caramel in these sumbitches. The Mother: I call them sumbitches!" From that moment on I couldn't concentrate on anything else but making those delicious sounding sumbitches.

Damn you sumbitches are fine!

My first step was some intense googling to see if the recipe already existed somewhere. At the time it didn't, so I don't was anyone saying to me how these aren't the sumbitches that herpderpnews.com posted. I figured it out first, so fuck you herpderpnews and all of your herpderp affiliates. I started with a recipe for peanut butter chocolate chip cookies. For the most part I followed all the rules except that I halfed the chips and replaced them with caramel cubes cut into smaller cubes. Oh and I also mixed the flour in wrong and almost forgot to add sugar again which seems to be a theme with me. But once everything was mixed up together it looked really tasty.

You can barely see the fuck ups

I tried using the little melon baller looking mother fucker to get the perfect sumbitches but I wasn't sure if enough caramel was getting into each one so I molded most of them by hand. That means they were probably a little bigger than a normal cookie but not quite a monster. Now I'm feeling really judgmental about cookie sizes. Who am I to say that these plus sized cookies aren't normal. Big is beautiful! Somehow or another though I ended up with 25 cookies. That's right, 25.

One lonely sumbitch

I felt so bad leaving him there but there was no chance in hell I was going to wait around for one sumbitch. I baked all the other for 10 or so minutes and took that chance to eat a turkey sammich and it was good. When I took them out of the oven I was for some reason surprised to find that they looked a little...

Oozy is the word I would use

Caramel is sticky and obviously melts. This should not have been a shock to me. I am le dumb. Some of them turned out really nice looking though. I am really pleased with my sumbitches and I do intend to make them again. Even though trying to remove them from the baking sheet was harder than expected. I was accused of adding glue which I promptly did not deny. Oozy and gluey are apparantly great things when it comes to sumbitches because I made them at 4 and they were all gone by 8. I even got a quote! "Those sumbitches are fucking fuck!" says my friend Nick. To which I can only respond "Is that a good thing?" His answer: Oh yeah.

That's all for today my little whiskers but unfortunatly I have some bad news. Because next week is hell week I wont be doing a vaginal fantasy blog this month. I am really sad about it so I might end up just posting some photos. But I will give you two favorite things to make up for it. The first one has to be How I met your mother on cbs.com for all the exploded tv havers and mom funeral attenders. The second one is for anyone interesed in more food based humor. Don't Mess with a Chef is a great new blog from a friend of mine and it features actual food. So what are you waiting for!

Pinspiration Vol.2: Lemons and Blueberries!

I'm back my little whisking buddies! I know it was a tough week without me but I brought my A game this week to make up for it. Not only is this a pinterest inspired post, it is also is some advanced learning for me. I'm doing a lot of things I've never done before and I find that exciting.This week I was clinging to the last vestiges of summer and made Lemon Blueberry Bars. If you click that link, you will be unable to resist making these. You can almost smell the lemon through the interwebs. We start with the one thing I know how to do and that is: making a graham cracker crust. The scary part of that for me was the lemon zest. Believe it or not, I've never zested anything before. It's probably not that hard to believe if you know me. I'm not great at a lot of things. Oh but before I forget, here is a photo.

It was only after I took the photo that I realized the zester is upside down.

Because it's motherfucking fall, I was left with the saddest looking lemons I've ever seen. That one was the biggest in the bag and I swear there is some camera trickery involved here to make it look normal sized. Also, I had to go to a completely different store to get blueberries. "Thanks big unnamed smiley face store." She said dripping with sarcasm. But despite all that, zesting a lemon wasn't nearly as hard as I expected it to be.

Pretty and tasty! Just like me....wait what?

Can I just stop for a moment to say that I fucking love lemons. When all the heavy drinkers are doing the shots, I steal all the lemon slices. Ha ha take that jerks! That being said, this smelled amazing! In fact it was so tasty that I almost forgot to add sugar. Almost. Form that into a crust shape and then bake it for 10 minutes. The second thing I've never done before is separate an egg all by myself. The first one I broke but the second one I mastered. I even did the professional back and forth shell action.

Pictured: Yummy?

Next it was time to grow some balls and do the thing I was scared of the most. Thing i'd never done before three, juice several tiny lemons. I somehow was "lucky" enough not to get any pictures of this but I swear it happened. Let me start off by saying that our juicer is a piece of shit. It's so terrible I couldn't even find a picture on google images that looked bad enough. It's similar to this one, except shitty and made of plastic. It probably took me close to a half hour to squash enough tiny lemons to equal one half cup of juice. Painstaking, is the word I would choose to describe it. So you mix all that crap together and zest some more lemons, which I most assuredly didn't measure. Oh well, graters gonna grate. 

Is it tasty yet?

I'll be honest, I got pretty worried at this point. Mostly because this smell like ass. So much ass. I even double checked the website to make sure I wrote everything down right. I did, so what up! Without considering any other options I baked it. Just like the rules say I kept it in the the oven for 15 minutes. Then I played skyrim so I'm sure however long they said to let it cool I at least doubled it. Then I fridged it for probably less time than I should have so whatever. 

I wanna stick my face in that so bad!

It made the whole house smell great and I couldn't wait to taste it. I'm the only one home today so you are only getting my opinion which is *drool*. I hardly ever eat the stuff I make, so for me to enjoy this so much is crazy. I am totally going to make this again when I get a better juicer, probably with strawberries. Sorry again for taking a week off, I can't say that it wont happen again because in two weeks my show "Honeymoon at Graveside Manor" opens. I'm going to get pretty busy, fighting ghosts and what not. My favorite thing this week though has to be "Good Mythical Morning" Rhett and Link's morning show. They make one every weekday for the past like 2 years or something. My husband and I are watching all of them in order and it is awesome.

Tiny Gay Rainbow Cupcakes

It's the first Friday of the month and that means I baked something fun and literary-inspired for the ladies and gentlemen in my Vaginal Fantasy book club! I always get so excited about it and I usually spend the whole month planning what I want to make. August's book was Swordspoint by Ellen Kushner and it featured a male/male romance, or so I was told because I didn't finish it. We had an alternate book about lesbians too but I didn't finish that one either. I'm bad at book clubbing, but at least I can make a fine ass cupcake.

Tasty tasty words

 I think you know me well enough by now to know that there are several rules here I didn't exactly follow. Let's start at the top, I didn't make tie-dye cupcakes. I have in the past and they are totally awesome but for gay pride, I thought the rainbow was the only sensible pick. Next, I thought vanilla was way too straight-laced. Instead I mixed strawberry and raspberry extracts, so it was fruity and fabulous. Lastly, you know full well I didn't make 12 cupcakes. If you've ever read this blog before you know I made 24 mini cakes. Gaykes. Following the rest of the rules as closely as possible you should end up with this concoction.

Thanks Timmy!

 This is where it gets a little interesting. You have to separate that into as many colors as you want and then dye them. I made six different colors because fuck the difference between indigo and violet. I just now googled the gay pride flag and learned that there is normally only six colors and now I feel good about myself. Yay for me. You want to make sure that you get the pigments right pretty quickly because trying not to over-mix becomes hard if you stir it six times to get the purple just right.

I am that person.

 This is the point where you would start the tie dying. In a normal sized cupcake pan throw in colors at random until they are all full. Or if you are feeling more refined you can make the world's most perfect rainbow flag ever. I'm not even joking look at how cute this is.

Damn it! It's backwards

 Oh I forgot until right now that broke another rule. It's says bake for 20 minutes but I'm thinking I only baked them for 15 because they are small. Then you just wait for them to cool, frost them up with your favorite icing, place them in a delicate circle and you've got something fancy.

Pictured: Fine Ass'dness

I bought some gay bacon strips (also known as Airheads Extremes) for the top to be little gay flags but I lost them. I only found them later, an hour into book club after I had already had my fair share of fancy wine. There are no pictures of this unfortunately but they really helped bring out the fruity flavor of the cakes which I'm sure is a metaphor for something. My favorite thing this week was going to be Release the Mooks 3. It's a fun physics flash game where it's totally appropriate to find yourself shouting "You wobbly mook fucker!" I say "was going to be" because this happened and there was much rejoicing.