I'm better than a wizard, I'm a baker!

In a brave attempt to make something other than cookies, I pulled a recipe from the oldest parts of my cookbook. This was back when I hadn't made anything and I cried every single time I tried. Yes, even when the results turned out perfectly acceptable. It's been a few years since then, and while I don't cry as often, I certainly fuck up just as much. I really expected this to be one of those fuck ups, but surprisingly everything turn out pretty okay. So let's start where it starts, with a little bit of this. 

Behold!

Yes, my dear kittens, This week, we are making a pie. And here's a quick warning that I should have jammed in sooner, this will probably be image heavy. If you're viewing device can't handle it, I apologize, but you've been warned. To be clear, I only made the crust of a pie and Comstock handled the filling, but fear not as I have some big plans in the future. Enough stalling, on the the first step. Throw all that powdery shit in a bowl, mix at it a little, then add little butter squares. 

You can tell this is old because I wrote it down verbatim from the source, which I think was a book I got from the library. It says use a food processor, but I have never owned one. I paced around my kitchen trying to figure out how I did this last time. I had several good options but I decided, screw all of them and I used my hands. That's right, just to prove a point, everything other than measuring and rolling was done with just my mitts. 

Proof

After you squish the hell out of the butter, you add all the liquids and then keep squishing it around. Da' rules seem to be very specific about the amount of time you should do things. I took much longer than 15 seconds, but you can imagine my surprise when I ended up with this. 

That looks pretty normal

After that it's just a tear and some finagling to get two discs of pretty awesome looking dough. Then you bag em and shove them in the fridge for an hour. Feel free to use this hour in any way you like. Sadly, that's all the information we get from that recipe. the rest is the just guesses and dreams. This really shouldn't have turned out. So, you let them thaw a bit and then rolling pin it. I posted on facebook asking friends to let me borrow a rolling pin and they told me to use a cup. Anyone who thinks that's useful advice has never done this before. 

That looks like poop and shit! And that's with a pin that I bought just to make this. (Totally worth it) Make sure you cover everything in flour. The pin, the stove, your hands, arms, face, every fucking thing. The best way I've found to get crust in a pan is to fold in in fourths and then move quickly. Unfold it in the pan, goop some fruit on top and do the exact same thing to the top crust. I suppose you could mix up some brown sugar and butter so make a crumble top, I did not do that. Make sure you slice some vents in the top so your filling can breathe and not explode in a fiery ball of horror. I'm not sure if that's what happens but I'm assuming so. I baked it for around 45 minutes and kept a close eye on it the whole time. 

Normally, I tell you all the dangers of overworking flour. Even my grandma said not to mess with dough to much. But, I made this mother fucker with my bare hands and I wasn't gentle with it. It was amazing! So, flaky and crisp and the bottom wasn't soggy. I could go on and on but I don't want to waste your time because, seriously, GO MAKE A PIE! You'll like it, I swear! 

That's all for now, my little biscuits. but before you run off, did you know that all four seasons of The Magic School Bus is available on Netflix streaming! I'm counting on all of you to "Take chances, Make mistakes, and GET MESSY"